I am a naturally anxious person. I am what some would call a "worrier"...while others (especially those that know me well) would call it being a control freak. However you phrase it, I worry about things and typically the things I worry about the most are those that I feel I have no or little control over. It is an ongoing, forever battle to "let it go". I have been practicing letting go for the past 10-12 years...and I still don't have it down.
It is actually amusing the siutations that can cause my anxiety level to shoot through the roof. Even more amusing is my husbands lack of anxiety about so many of the same situations. I have tried to take a page from his book and learn to be a little more relaxed...but it doesn't always work.
Don't get me wrong, a little anxiety can be a really good thing. It gets my butt into gear when I have a paper or a project due. It keeps me organized in areas like bill-paying and paperwork. It also gives me a boost of energy when I know something has to get done and there is a deadline. I have to say, aside from the crazy, unrealistic, control-freak, spastic anxiety, my anxiety level serves me pretty well.
Until recently, Gracelynn seemed to take after her father in the anxiety department. She would go to the nursery every Sunday, and while other babies might cry for a half an hour after their parents dropped them off, she seemed to not even notice when we put her down and walked away. She was similar at daycare every morning. We would arrive at Miss Andrea's and she would be squirming to get down before we even got in the door. She would make a bee-line for the toy box and often would ignore my attempts to say goodbye. Sometimes, I swear I could even see a hint of annoyance when I would pick her up to kiss her goodbye!
So imagine my absolute shock when we arrived at daycare this morning and she refused to leave my side. She clung to the leg of my capri's and crawled after me, whining, wherever I would go. At just shy of 11 months, this is a new development for me.
I began reading about this concept called separation anxiety and found several great articles on the topic. Apparently, my child is right on track developmentally and is doing exactly as she should be by experiencing anxiety when I or my husband leave her. I also found that separation anxiety is fueled by a developmental milestone called object permenance:
"The same thing occurs with a parent. Babies realize that there's only mom or dad, and when they can't see you, that means you've gone away. And most don't yet understand the concept of time so do not know if or when you'll come back.
Whether you're in the kitchen, in the next bedroom, or at the office, it's all the same to your baby. You've disappeared, and your child will do whatever he or she can to prevent this from happening."
For a moment, I stopped to let this sink in, and allowed myself to empathize with my daughters position. I realized how she must feel completely abandoned and the feeling of terror that must accompany that realization. While it can feel like an annoyance as I try to say my daily goodbye and get out the door and on my way to work, to my baby girl it feels as if the most significant person in her life is leaving her on a daily basis...and she doesn't know why.
Whew...
Hellooooo guilt!
Fortunately, this stage does not last forever, and in the mean time when I return to my little girl at the end of each day, she is so incredibly delighted to see me. Her face lights up and her smile fills her entire face. She has started pointing at things she wants and she immediately starts point at me when I enter the room.
*sigh* What a beautiful thing.