When Your Heart Hurts...

So here I am again, sitting in a hospital late at night (or early in the morning depending on how you look at it) with my daughter sleeping soundly on my chest. This time she isn't quite as small...or as quiet. She snores sweetly with her mouth wide open and her face completely relaxed. Under different circumstances, this would be one of those moments I would cherish forever.

Instead it is another moment in the nightmare that has been my week. It started with a phone call last Friday from daycare stating that Gracelynn has gotten up from nap with a slight fever. I went and picked her up and when we got home check her temperature. It was 102 degrees. We gave her some Tylenol and went on as we do with any cold or virus. By Saturday her temperature was spiking in between Tylenol doses as high as 104 degrees. We decided to give her a luke warm bath to try and help her find some comfort. At that time we realized that the majority of her body was covered in a nasty looking rash and the whites of her eyes had turned a pinkish-red. That evening we called the on-call nurse offered through our pediatricians office. They reassured us that it was most likely just a virus and that unless her temerature went above 105 or other symptoms developed we should just continue to treat the fever and make her comfortable.

We made it through the weekend and by Monday morning her fever had not gone down and her rash was worse. We decided to take her to the walk-in clinic at our pediatrician's office first thing that morning. We know God was looking out for us because our pediatrician just happened to be the doctor working in the clinic that morning, so we saw a doctor that was familiar with Gracelynn and her medical history. It was somewhat disheartening to see that he too was perplexed by what was going on and he didn't hide the concern on his face. He ordered a finger prick test and asked us to come back the next day. At the very end of the exam he mentioned an illness called Kawasaki Disease. He said she did not meet all the criteria for it, but it was something they would continue to watch for.

We returned the next day and she was no better. Dr. Bush ordered a blood panel and urinalysis to help rule out several other infections. He also decided to go ahead and give her an antibiotic shot to help in the event of a bacterial infection. That evening she became very listless and was unable to walk on her own. I knew that this was most likely due to the fact that she had not eaten since the previous Thursday, but as a mom all I saw was my vibrant, independent little girl fading away. The next morning we called Dr. Bush immediately and told him of the recent developments. Fortunately, he took these things just as seriously as we did. He ordered a chest xray to rule out pneumonia and then asked us to return to his office for a third visit.

At this visit, Dr. Bush told us he was advising us to admit her to Children's Mercy Hospital in downtown Kansas City, MO. We did not hesitate...YES! Please do whatever is neccesary to help her! We did not get admitted until the following afternoon because of a lack of beds in the hospital (it is a very good hospital and a very sick time of year). Once there, there were many nurses and doctors that had to look at Gracelynn, all the while she was running a temperature of 102.8. Finally she got some Motrin and the Attending Physician for the Infectious Disease Unit was able to see her. Based on Gracelynn's physiological and lab markers, she diagnosed her with Kawasaki Disease.

So what is Kawasaki (KD)? It is a vascular disease that causes the arteries and blood vessels to become inflamed. Gracelynn's little body has been working for the past 7 days trying to fight that inflammation. The illness itself has many symptoms but the scariest part is the potential result of KD if it is left untreated past 10 days of fever. It can cause lasting effects on the heart, in particular the coronary artery. Gracelynn has already had one echocardiogram and will have a follow up echo in 6 weeks.

So at this moment, as my little one sleeps soundly, she is hooked up to a heart monitor, a blood pressure machine and an IV drip that is feeding gamma globulin (purified antibodies) into her blood stream. It is a 12 hour treatment and then she will be observed for 24 hours to ensure that her symptoms do not return. We have a little bit of a road ahead of us, but I am just so grateful for God's protection, the wonderful doctors and nurses and for the prayers so many have offered up in Gracelynn's behalf.

Development

As we move closer and closer toward Gracelynn turning a year old (August 17th) I thought it would be appropriate to reflect on where she is developmentally.

Physically: She is ALL over the place, but for the most part her mode of transportation is crawling. She can get behind a push toy and walk just fine for a few steps, so I know she has the stability and the muscle tone to do it, but she just doesn't seem to trust herself yet. She will be playing and suddenly realize that she is standing, playing without touching ANYTHING. She will slowly sit down and I can just imagine her thought being "Whew! That was a close one!" I am NOT pushing her to walk, whatsoever. My life is already a crazy rat race with her crawling, pulling up and cruising around the furniture. She will walk when she is ready and I am just dandy with that :)

Cognitively: Gracelynn has mastered that object permanence thing. We will try and hide the remote so she doesn't change the channel or language...and she goes right for it. Even 30 minutes later she will go straight to where we hid it. She is also becoming very resourceful. She can look at an obstacle and figure out how to overcome it. She can also climb. So this physical ability helps her figure out how to get to things she never go to before. Oh Joy!

Emotionally: This ties into the cognitive thing because she has that object permanence. She KNOWS that when mommy or daddy leaves, that they still exist, they just aren't with her. This crushes her...whether we are leaving her at daycare or just leaving the room. This has also led to the fit throwing stage. Oh man...this is rough. She is what I call a little drama queen and will throw herself on the floor and sob her heart out. And then...your heart breaks.

So yes...even though she is a bit of a mess lately, I love her so much. Here are a few pictures for you to enjoy.

Mommy and baby playing.
Gimme that camera...
My gorgeous little girl.
I wanna kiss...
Trying to get a good picture.
Lounging while playing.
Tub time!!!
Holy Bubbles, Batman!
Book time with Daddy
Dora is her favorite book!
Future text-er.
Reading on her own.
After swimming. She REALLY wants the new camera
Walking with the push toy...with one hand even!
This is the grossest thing I have seen yet as a mom. I looked back as I was driving and this is what I saw. When I got to the next stop light...I had to take a picture. Can you say...blackmail??
Look at that smile...loves it!
Once again...trying to get a good picture together.
What are you doing?
Look ma-ma...I found these awesome things in MY room!
Hard at play.



Ok...there you go. I am going back to my day off. Trying to catch up on all the things I never have time to do!

More pics

The birthday tutu and hair bow! 3.5 weeks until Gracelynn turns 1!

Better shot of tutu

Mouth stuffed full of cheese!

Shampoo mohawk!

Water baby

My two lovies

Close to bedtime...she always lays down to play as the evening gets later.

I told you there'd be more. Later!

Woo Hoo

We got our new camera yesterday and I am so excited. From what I can tell so far, it is amazing. However, it has so many features I am still trying to figure it all out. I took a few pictures last night before we went to our movie (Dark Knight) and a couple more this morning. I am sure there will be even more to come.

How I find Gracelynn every morning. Standing in her crib, pointing to the paci on the floor (that she threw out of her crib), and saying "uh oh". This picture just happened to catch the "uh oh" face.

My beautiful little model. Posing with her waffle and banana. We have completely weaned off formula and baby food. Whole milk and "big girl" food all the way! It happened a little faster than I had planned but she won't touch the other stuff now. She has 8 (working on the 9th and 10th) teeth, so she does just fine.

This is a picture of Olivia and is just to show you how awesome the zoom is on this camera. She was almost to the back of the backyard and I took this from the deck and zoomed in. I was amazed at how clear it was!

Surprise! The two loves of my life!

There will be plenty more to come!

Quick Update

The new camera should be here today or tomorrow! Here is a pic of what we got.

Highlights
7.1 MP resolution for high quality prints
12X SCHNEIDER-KREUZNACH VARIOGON optical zoom lens to capture crisp details
32 MB internal memory with SD/MMC expansion slot for abundant storage space
2.5-inch high resolution indoor/outdoor display for high level of brightness and clarity
Kodak EasyShare software to organize and manage your photo collection

It got 4.5 stars out of five and everyone that reviewed it raved. I am really excited about what all it can do compared to our digital camera before. Woo hoo!

Have No Fear

Not much time, but I wanted to let ya'll know that our new camera has been shipped and will probably be here the first of next week. I know many of you have wondered where in the world my picture post have gone...actually most just wonder where Gracelynn has gone. :) She is growing like a weed, but unfortunately our camera has been out of commission for a while and I haven't been able to record it.

But have no fear...this camera will be even better. As soon as I get it I will get lots of pictures for you all!

Oh the Anxiety!

I am a naturally anxious person. I am what some would call a "worrier"...while others (especially those that know me well) would call it being a control freak. However you phrase it, I worry about things and typically the things I worry about the most are those that I feel I have no or little control over. It is an ongoing, forever battle to "let it go". I have been practicing letting go for the past 10-12 years...and I still don't have it down.

It is actually amusing the siutations that can cause my anxiety level to shoot through the roof. Even more amusing is my husbands lack of anxiety about so many of the same situations. I have tried to take a page from his book and learn to be a little more relaxed...but it doesn't always work.

Don't get me wrong, a little anxiety can be a really good thing. It gets my butt into gear when I have a paper or a project due. It keeps me organized in areas like bill-paying and paperwork. It also gives me a boost of energy when I know something has to get done and there is a deadline. I have to say, aside from the crazy, unrealistic, control-freak, spastic anxiety, my anxiety level serves me pretty well.

Until recently, Gracelynn seemed to take after her father in the anxiety department. She would go to the nursery every Sunday, and while other babies might cry for a half an hour after their parents dropped them off, she seemed to not even notice when we put her down and walked away. She was similar at daycare every morning. We would arrive at Miss Andrea's and she would be squirming to get down before we even got in the door. She would make a bee-line for the toy box and often would ignore my attempts to say goodbye. Sometimes, I swear I could even see a hint of annoyance when I would pick her up to kiss her goodbye!

So imagine my absolute shock when we arrived at daycare this morning and she refused to leave my side. She clung to the leg of my capri's and crawled after me, whining, wherever I would go. At just shy of 11 months, this is a new development for me.

I began reading about this concept called separation anxiety and found several great articles on the topic. Apparently, my child is right on track developmentally and is doing exactly as she should be by experiencing anxiety when I or my husband leave her. I also found that separation anxiety is fueled by a developmental milestone called object permenance:

"The same thing occurs with a parent. Babies realize that there's only mom or dad, and when they can't see you, that means you've gone away. And most don't yet understand the concept of time so do not know if or when you'll come back.

Whether you're in the kitchen, in the next bedroom, or at the office, it's all the same to your baby. You've disappeared, and your child will do whatever he or she can to prevent this from happening."

For a moment, I stopped to let this sink in, and allowed myself to empathize with my daughters position. I realized how she must feel completely abandoned and the feeling of terror that must accompany that realization. While it can feel like an annoyance as I try to say my daily goodbye and get out the door and on my way to work, to my baby girl it feels as if the most significant person in her life is leaving her on a daily basis...and she doesn't know why.

Whew...

Hellooooo guilt!

Fortunately, this stage does not last forever, and in the mean time when I return to my little girl at the end of each day, she is so incredibly delighted to see me. Her face lights up and her smile fills her entire face. She has started pointing at things she wants and she immediately starts point at me when I enter the room.

*sigh* What a beautiful thing.

Held

Today is a sad day. So much so, that I almost did not blog about what I felt.

Three years ago today, my friend Dawn gave birth to a little boy, Maguire. From his pictures and the videos they have of him, he was the light of his mommy, daddy and twin older brother and sister's life. His giggle was contagious, and his smile was heartwarming. Eight months later, God took little Maguire home. I never had the opportunity to meet this amazing little guy as I did not have the pleasure of meeting his mother until 5 months later.

Dawn and I have come to be very close friends. We have shared many things: school trials, internship triumphs, we even had our daughters 4 days apart. Through all of this, I have also had the honor of sharing in some of her sorrows.

I must be honest, today when I woke up I was not thinking of Dawn or her son, Maguire. I went about my morning and completed my tasks upon arriving at work. About midmorning I received an email from Dawn and without really reading the title, clicked to open it. As I read I realized that this email was to myself and many of Dawn's other friends and family members and was not a letter of sorrow, but rather a celebration of Maguire's life, as short as it was.

I found myself completely overcome with emotion in that moment, sitting at my desk, reading the words of the bravest woman I know. It took me some time to compose myself, but the day was spent thinking of Maguire and the words that Dawn had written.

Once again, I came home and went about my typical nightly activities; dinner, bath time for Gracelynn, pick up after Gracelynn, laundry, bedtime for Gracelynn. A little after 10 o'clock, Gracelynn woke up and since she had not taken a bottle before bed I prepared a bottle and went in to give it to her. As I sat and rocked her while she took her bottle, the day rushed back over me. I was overcome again with emotion and found myself rocking my baby girl long after she had finished her bottle.

She slept so soundly in my arms and her entire body was completely relaxed against me. There was complete trust, complete security, complete peace. The words to the Natalie Grant song came to me. I encourage you to listen to the song by clicking on the link below.

Held by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

In that moment, as I held my sleeping daughter, I realized with joy that little Maguire was being held too...in the arms of his maker.

Beauty in the Broken

If I haven't told you all already, Gracelynn is the most amazing part of my life. She is so curious and full of love and life. She never just "lounges" and literally goes full speed until she drops...only to recharge to go full speed again. To call her the Energizer Bunny would be only the half of it. I must admit, she is a handful to keep up with, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I find myself enjoying those little moments when she reverts back to that tiny baby I once encouraged to try new things. I was so excited when she learned to hold her bottle by herself, and then how to use a sippy cup (new accomplishment...yay!), but now I cherish the times she is still enough to lay in my arms and let me give her a bottle. She used to fall asleep in my arms all of the time, and now if she isn't in her bed it is hard for her to go to sleep. There is just too much to see. But every once in a while she will completely pass out in my or Ben's arms and I can't help but soak in those moments.

I have learned so many things from her, but one of the most recent lessons is how she finds such joy in the most simple...sometimes even broken things. She has a shelf full of toys, a toy box in her room, a whole window seat of stuffed animals and several books...all of which is pretty much at her disposal at any time. But she so often will choose over those things to play with things like my flip-flops laying in the living room, or the (gasp!) dog dish. She approaches each new "find" as if she is Columbus discovering the new world; with this sort of amazement and vigorous curiosity. There are so many times that I get frustrated that she is finding all of the things I don't want her to find to play with...and ignoring all of the cool, bright colored, lighted toys that we lovingly provide for her.

The other day I had the trash by the front door to be taken out so it would be ready the next morning when our trash service came by. I had a couple of bags and then a few loose items that just needed to be put in our large trash can. Among those things was an old VCR that did not work anymore (hadn't in a long time...have no idea why we kept it) and our old vacuum cleaner. It had seen better days and while I had nursed it back to health many times, it had finally stopped sucking...which is its sole purpose in life. I had held off getting a new one because we have almost all wood floors througout our house, but there were things that we needed it for. So there it sat next to the front door. Of course I did not want Gracelynn playing with these things, and of couse those were the only things she saw in the room. There was no detering her, so finally I went with her over to the vacuum and VCR to let her "investigate" under my watchful eye.

She found such joy out of these items. She loved pushing the buttons on the VCR (something we don't let her do on our working VCR, DVD player and cable box), and she absolutely LOVED the vacuum...now that it was off!!! As she "played" with these things, it occured to me that she had no clue what these things functions once were...and she didn't care. On that same note she had no clue that they were broken and therefore were being tossed out in the trash...and once again she did not care. It was incredibly refreshing to see someone, even my 10 month old daughter, find such a huge amount of joy in something as simple as pushing buttons on an old VCR and laughing at the vacuum.

Then I wondered...where does that curiosity and joy go? I seem to have lost it and I know many other adults that have to. So when do we stop wondering? When do we stop investigating? When do we stop finding joy in the simple things of life?

I know many of us could look back at that "moment" when our eyes were opened and the world wasn't as bright and fresh as it once was. Most of us move forward from that moment and don't really realize what exactly we have lost. How incredibly sad that most of us have never mourned our lost childhood...never stopped to think that while growing up is neccesary, there is a side of it that is truly sad. I then realized with a pang that there would come a time when Gracelynn would stop investigating the world around her. When she would begin to take her surroundings for granted. When she would stop finding the beauty in the broken things of life.

So once again, I cherished that moment. And I challenged myself to try once again to find the beauty in the broken.

Golden Perfection

I am exhausted. This past Tuesday was my hubby's 28th birthday and yesterday we had his birthday party. For two weeks we had been planning to have his party outside. I wanted to have the whole set up with tiki torches, the fire pit, chinese lanterns...etc. Then we started watching the weather and all that was in the forecast was rain, rain and more rain. I thought "It's Kansas...things could change", but by about Wednesday I realized that even if it did stop raining (which didn't seem likely) it would still be a sopping wet mess in our backyard AND the grass wouldn't be cut. So I made the decision to move it inside...to our tiny little house.

So yesterday my adorable husband calls and says that he really wants to have the party outside and that the weather is going to be nice. AHHH!!! So I left work, ran my little tush off (I wish literally) to get things together, and it was a beautiful evening! The tiki torches were lit, there were candles on the tables, the chinese lanterns were hung and the food was great. The company...even better. Several times throughout the night Ben looked at me and just said "Thank you...this is so great" and I knew all of the work (and stressing out) was totally worth it. So yes, I am tired today (sitting in the clinic seeing clients and doing paper work) but it is worth making my husband that happy.

This morning when I got up to come into the clinic and I stepped into the bathroom to begin getting ready I reflected on the previous evening. There were plenty of laughs and tons of good food. There were many interesting topics and some pretty heavy discussions. And of course as usual there was lighthearted banter between friends. After the sun went down, Ben lit the fire pit and we roasted marshmallows and ate s'mores to end the evening. Our good friend, Zach, was attempting to achieve that "golden perfection" in his marshmallows, but they always ended up getting scorched on one side. We teased him (sorry Zach) about his quest for golden perfection and we made several references to it as the evening went on. As I showered off the smell of bonfire smoke this morning I couldn't help but make the link between Zach's unmet need for golden perfection in his marshmallow and my own Christian walk. Fire is the source of change that God is using to slowly perfect me for His will. At a safe distance I am being prepared slowly and in His own time. But too often I become inpatient with this process and I thrust myself into the flames, thinking that I know better and that I am "helping". More times than not, I end up getting scorched. Now, unlike the Zach's poor marshmallow, God doesn't take me off the wire hanger, toss me in the trash and start over...thank goodness! But those scorch marks still remain and God must then work to repair the damage that I have done.

Why am I so quick to throw myself on the flame? Why do I time and time again make the same mistake of becoming inpatient and thinking that I know better? How many times must I get burned before I learn that HIS timing and HIS will are perfect? When will I allow Him to help me reach "golden perfection"?

All deep questions...most of which are still unanswered. And all from a little, fluffy marshmallow.

Hope your Saturday is going well...Happy Father's Day to all of you daddy's!

Overwhelmed

Do you ever feel so overwhelmed by all that must be accomplished that you opt to do nothing. I am in a perpetual state of being overwhelmed and I am finding that eventually you just begin to shut down. I guess that is where I am with the blog. There is so much to tell...so many thoughts that I have to share...so many pictures that are unposted, that when I think about catching up I suddenly feel tired and leave it for another day.

But I want to share...I want to post...I want to tell.

So here is my quick catch up and then I will consider myself square. Hopefully that makes it less daunting when I do have a thought I would like to share on here.

Gracelynn is growing quickly. Crawling, pulling up on things, eating solids, talking up a storm. She is seriously the light of my life and I can't imagine one single day without her. I imagine she will be walking soon, so that will mean a whole new level of "baby-proofing".

I am in the process of planning her first birthday party. Can you believe it...she will be in one in 2.5 months! I am starting the planning now only because I know that things will be busy between now and then. Hopefully planning WAY ahead of time will reduce that stress for me. We'll see...

Ben is doing great. He is the top of his team at American Century and hopefully very soon he will be moving into a new position. He is really finding his niche and it is great to see him growing and getting excited about his job/career.

I am...busy. I am still in class and trying to finish my clinical hours. It has been a journey, but hopefully that part will be coming to a close at the end of July. Then I will have one module left this fall that will end on October 9th. After that...I'm free!

We are LOVING summer. Ben got a new lawnmower and we are hoping to finish a new patio in our backyard this year. I am taking regular walks with Gracelynn and just in general enjoying the warm weather when I am not the size of a whale (remember last summer...ugh!).

So there is our busy little life in a nutshell.

Consider me caught up. If you have questions on specifics or need more details...just ask.

Hopefully this makes blogging a little less scary!

Busy busy...

I don't have much time, but I thought it just wasn't fair to keep you all in the dark for so long. Here a few pics of Gracelynn from the past month. Enjoy!
Acting a little "cheeky" :)
Just plain old happy!

Pulling up on EVERYTHING!
" I'm gonna get that camera!"
Pretty in...orange?
"Look! I have a tongue!"
My little honeybear.

Hope this made your Monday a little less dreary!

XO

A

A Day in the Life...

These pictures are just a little glimpse into the busy life of Gracelynn.


Gracelynn's new highchair...she LOVES being a big girl!

Gracelynn's first Easter dress

Such a poser...

look how big I am! Close up!
Gracelynn loves her kitty cat
Another high chair shot.

Who says you can't play without any clothes on?
Experimenting with new hair styles
Daddy giving a Sunday morning bath
Dad! My ears don't stick out that much!
All ready for church!

Blurry...but it shows how much she can't hold still!
Pause a moment to pose...
Cutie pie!
Such a ham!
I love moving!

Sleepy eyes...
After nap time
First cracker...6 month birthday
So tired...
I love my food!