Held

Today is a sad day. So much so, that I almost did not blog about what I felt.

Three years ago today, my friend Dawn gave birth to a little boy, Maguire. From his pictures and the videos they have of him, he was the light of his mommy, daddy and twin older brother and sister's life. His giggle was contagious, and his smile was heartwarming. Eight months later, God took little Maguire home. I never had the opportunity to meet this amazing little guy as I did not have the pleasure of meeting his mother until 5 months later.

Dawn and I have come to be very close friends. We have shared many things: school trials, internship triumphs, we even had our daughters 4 days apart. Through all of this, I have also had the honor of sharing in some of her sorrows.

I must be honest, today when I woke up I was not thinking of Dawn or her son, Maguire. I went about my morning and completed my tasks upon arriving at work. About midmorning I received an email from Dawn and without really reading the title, clicked to open it. As I read I realized that this email was to myself and many of Dawn's other friends and family members and was not a letter of sorrow, but rather a celebration of Maguire's life, as short as it was.

I found myself completely overcome with emotion in that moment, sitting at my desk, reading the words of the bravest woman I know. It took me some time to compose myself, but the day was spent thinking of Maguire and the words that Dawn had written.

Once again, I came home and went about my typical nightly activities; dinner, bath time for Gracelynn, pick up after Gracelynn, laundry, bedtime for Gracelynn. A little after 10 o'clock, Gracelynn woke up and since she had not taken a bottle before bed I prepared a bottle and went in to give it to her. As I sat and rocked her while she took her bottle, the day rushed back over me. I was overcome again with emotion and found myself rocking my baby girl long after she had finished her bottle.

She slept so soundly in my arms and her entire body was completely relaxed against me. There was complete trust, complete security, complete peace. The words to the Natalie Grant song came to me. I encourage you to listen to the song by clicking on the link below.

Held by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

In that moment, as I held my sleeping daughter, I realized with joy that little Maguire was being held too...in the arms of his maker.